High school dating categories

From Issue 7

Illustration by Sloan Freeman

Young Love. Books have been written about it. Movies have been made about it. It’s a fascination of our society and is people’s first experiment with romance. 

While some people will claim that they dated in middle school, a real dating relationship can really only begin when one member of the couple has a car, meaning high school is the time where relationships can really begin. Relationships in high school can take many forms, but a recent scientific study has been able to categorize them all into four basic groups.

The first category of high school couples is the Gorilla category (for the glue; not the primate). These are the couples that are constantly together, never leaving the other’s side. They will always be at parties together, never separately. Never ask either of them to hang out; they already have plans (Yes, on Friday and Saturday nights). While not true of all Gorillas, PDA is a common trait of these couples, perhaps because they are used to isolation and are not aware of the other humans around them. They talk about everything together, leaving me to wonder how they do not run out of stuff to talk about. However, a brilliant young scientist named Jerrion Ealy recently pointed out to me in a conversation when I posed this idea, “Do you ever run out of things to talk about with your mom?”, causing me to rethink my position on this subject. 

A small subdivision of the Gorillas, the King Kongs, fascinates scientists. These couples are rarely seen, as they prefer to spend all of their time away from other human life. I wish I could tell you what they do or talk about; but, alas, no one knows due to their isolation. Close friends have been known to lose all contact with the Kongs, and many who have been in a King Kong classified relationship, once it has ended, have had trouble readjusting to normal human life.

The second category of high school couples is the Instagram only category. These are the couples that if it weren’t for the occasional Instagram post together, no one would know they are dating. They rarely hang out. You never see them together in the hallways. You ask them about their significant other and they say they’re doing fine. No more or no less information is exchanged. You ask them if they like someone else, and they say, “Dude, I have a girlfriend.” Because of the lengthy absences between meetings, they at least have plenty to talk about when they’re together.

The third category is the Catullus category. Catullus was a Roman poet who had a troubled relationship with his girlfriend, Clodia, writing that he both hated and her and loved her at the same time. He constantly had something to complain about for his relationship, becoming the basis for many of his poems, and they were constantly fighting. True to Catullus himself, the couples in this category are constantly fighting. If they even hear that someone heard that someone heard their significant other say hey to a member of the opposite sex, they’re jealous. They break up, they’ll be with another person briefly, and then they’ll come running back to each other, beginning the never ending cycle all over again. These couples are extremely frustrating, as they can never seem to fully move on from one another even though it is obvious they will never work out in the long run. 

The fourth and final category is the Jorge Ojeda-Guzman category. Jorge Ojeda-Guzman is the Guiness World Record holder for Tightrope Endurance, living 205 days on the wire in 1993. In order to do this, he had to have perfect balance. The couples in this category have perfect balance. They’re the couples other couples should aspire to be. They hang out frequently, but they make sure to continue to make time for their friends. They don’t get jealous everytime they see their boyfriend or girlfriend talk to another boy or girl. Very few of these couples seem to exist, but when you see one, you’ll know it after reading this exquisite scientific study. 

While no one can fully understand such a complex subject as love, especially young love, this study should allow you to understand it somewhat better.